For a moment, the word of the day could very well have been: "AAAAARRRRGGGHH!!!" (Give or take an exclamation point, of course)
This was brought on by an inherent lack of mayonnaise for my sandwich at lunchtime, which unto itself was a problem since the deli meat in question was chicken. And not just any sort of generic chicken deli meat, but black forest chicken meat. I'm not entirely sure what breeds of flightless poultry live in the forest wilds of east Europe (as the term "black forest" would tend to imply), but they go very well with mayonnaise. Upon discovering the mayonnaise and lack thereof, I went through the usual stages of panic:
1. Curiousity. ("That's funny, I could have sworn it was here on the top shelf.")
2. Consternation. ("Dammit, this is no longer funny. Where is it?")
3. Denial. ("There must still be mayonnaise here. I couldn't have finished the jar that fast!")
4. Withdrawal. ("Can't...breathe...without mayonnaise...on sandwich!")
5. Fear. ("Did someone steal my mayonnaise?!")
6. Even more fear. ("They could still be in the house! My mustard could be next!")
7. Self-preservation. ("Well, better the mustard than me.")
8. And finally, calm logic. ("I swear I'll hunt down the bastard responsible, and give him a lesson in tantric yoga with this 2x4!!")
In the end, someone had just left the mayonnaise out on the counter, and I in my blind panic and homicidal notions had simply failed to notice its innocuous presence. So all was well, and the potential "AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!" day was averted.
Now some of you may be scratching your heads right now and asking yourselves, "Why not just go with the mustard then?" Well, black forest chicken is not spicy, and as such I have found that its taste is better complimented by mayonnaise. That's just me, so don't sic a
'Mustard Is Better!' crusade on me, okay?
As a footnote, the rest of the day has come and gone without another "ARGH!" moment, so I am quite content. I have also learned a valuable lesson about putting away your condiments after you're done using them. I feel sufficiently enlightened and enthralled that I shall sleep much easier tonight, and I hope all of you out there do too.
posted by Phillip at 5:20 PM
